Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I Want More Sex

Currently I get the ole poke about once a week but would like to increase this to twice a week. Now, I don’t mind foreplay per se, but I really don’t need much of it. All my orgasms are vaginal so I usually just like to get down to it and TCB you know? I’d be willing to give a blow job* in trade for receiving sex one more time a week.

* By trading a blow job for sex, I don’t mean that he gets to spew his off spring down my throat once a week. It means I’ll go down on him for a bit but then he better put it in my other hole** for a while (at least 15 – 20 minutes if not longer) so we can both get off.

** By ‘other hole’ I don’t mean my ass.

(this is not an offer to those that may be reading this, unless you are already currently sticking it in me) (and by sticking it in me I don’t mean right at this moment as you are reading, just in general)

P.S.A. - Grab Me Firmly

Everybody, but especially men, should have a nice firm handshake. A wimpy grip is a huge turn off and really, it kind of grosses me out. It’s like I’m grabbing on to a warm flaccid penis against my will. Seriously, it’s like a bait n switch because I never expect a flaccid handshake. Don’t force your lump of flesh into my palm sir. Instead show your confidence and self-worth with a firm four finger horizontal salute and glide that manhood against mine, finishing it off with a gentle squeeze and pump.

How Many Times Did John McCain Say 'My Friends' ?

Presidential Debate McCain Numbers - October 7, 2008

  • John McCain (republican candidate)
  • Barack Obama (democratic candidate)
  • Tom Brokaw (moderator)
Number of times John McCain said:

My Friends - 18
My Friend - 4
Total - 22

Sarah Palin - 0 (vice president running mate)
Joe Lieberman - 3 (the guy he actually wanted to be his running mate)

Number of times John McCain's referenced his Hero:

Ronald Reagan - 1
Teddy Roosevelt - 1

Number of times Tom Brokaw made reference to candidates being over on time:

Using the word time - 6*
Using the word Quick/ly - 2
Using the term 'my pact' - 1
Using the word Briefly - 2
Total - 11

Number of times candidate referred to opposing candidate as 'That One':


* I did not count the word 'time' when used in consecutive sentences.

All numbers have a 3% error as it's really fucking late and I'm tired.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Bodily Waste

I was standing on the marble floor of my parents' bathroom staring down at the electronic scale. I kicked off my shoes, de-pantsed, and stepped upon the enemy.


I then turned to my right to inspect my next mission; the toilet. I lifted the lid, tore off two big long pieces of toilet paper, lined both sides of the seat with said paper, and then delicately lowered my naked buttocks. I quickly discarded two long, but light and floaty, turds along with a minimal amount of urine.

After over doing it on the wiping, I pulled my underwear up, flushed, and re-weighed.


That's a grand total of 0.7 in bodily waste. This had to be blogged about. Thank you for reading.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Never Have I Hated G.W. Bush More

For the first time, Bush revealed a personal way in which he has tried to acknowledge the sacrifice of soldiers and their families.

“I don't want some mom whose son may have recently died to see the commander in chief playing golf,” he said. “I feel I owe it to the families to be in solidarity as best as I can with them. And I think playing golf during a war just sends the wrong signal.”

Bush said he made that decision after the August 2003 bombing of the United Nations headquarters in Baghdad, which killed Sergio Vieira de Mello, the top U.N. official in Iraq and the organization’s high commissioner for human rights.

“I remember when de Mello, who was at the U.N., got killed in Baghdad as a result of these murderers taking this good man's life,” he said. “I was playing golf — I think I was in central Texas — and they pulled me off the golf course and I said, ‘It's just not worth it anymore to do.’"

What a jackass. My God. This truly angers me. This is nothing but a slap in the face to all the soldiers and their families. Golf. Lah di freakin’ dah. I’m not a golf player myself but I would love for the chance to swing a club at his balls.

Article here from Politico.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Super Tuesday 2008 Results

Twenty-four states and American Samoa came out in force yesterday to cast their votes for our next U.S. Presidential Nominee. I am not going to discuss McCain's domination or the continued fight between Clinton and Obama. No, I would like to take this time to bitch at all of those fucktards that threw their votes away (and I'm not even referring to those that voted for Ron Paul).

A staggering number of people voted for candidates who are no longer even in the running:

  • 410,947 - John Edwards, withdrew January 30
  • 8,440 - Rudy Giuliani, withdrew January 30
  • 2,863 - Joe Biden, withdrew January 3
  • 16,044 - Fred Thompson, withdrew January 22

Grand Total - 423,431 votes (approx. 4.27% of all votes cast 2/5/2008)

I'll go ahead and assume that a small percentage of these pointless votes were cast by bitter Americans that did indeed know what they were doing but decided to be a bunch of arses by showing how unhappy they were with the remaining options. However, I'm willing to bet the majority of these votes were made by dumbasses.

My real issue is with the Democrats due to the tight race. In both Missouri and New Mexico the popular vote was so close that if the idiots that voted for Edwards would have instead picked a real candidate they could have changed the outcome. Each state had a 1% difference with Obama leading MO and Clinton leading NM. In every state the outcome may have still been different as the Democratic Party is not a Winner Take All when it comes to delegates. So even if one person receives more popular votes, the other person will still walk away with some delegates, which is needed to gain the party nomination.

I don't get it. I don't. It boggles the mind. If you take the time to actually go to your polling location to vote it would make sense that you should know if you're candidate of choice is still in the running. Voting for Gravel or even Uncommitted would have been a wiser choice as far as I'm concerned.

The 414,991 stupid retards that took their time to vote for the Democratic Party should be shot. In fact, I say we let Clinton and Obama have the honor. Based on how many "voters" they hit we'll just add that on to their tally.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Thought This Was Funny