I read an article today, which I can't find to post, about dating the crazy cat lady. I'm a dog person but some of the tips could apply to me. Really the only thing that caught my attention though was a tip on how to win her over. Basically it said skip bringing her flowers and bring a toy for the cat instead. Genius! If a guy showed up at my door with gifts for the kids that would totally win me over (assuming he's hot, I'm into him to begin with, he makes me laugh, lets me order dessert if he's buying dinner, is intelligent, and you know, everything else). I've never thought about that before.
It takes a special type of guy to date me to begin with. The Ex once said to me, "If I had known about you then what I do now, we probably never would have made it past the first date." He didn't mean it as an insult and I didn't take it as one either. I'm sarcastic, raunchy, mouth like a sailor (and I'm not talking about the skills of a gay sailor), dirty, messy, blunt, will burp at dinner, and so on and so forth. All in all I'm actually a pretty kick ass girlfriend and low maintenance. Still, not everybody can handle my personality.
On top of that I have 3 dogs. Three! Unlike me they are high maintenance. That's my fault; I make no excuses. They tear through the house running and playing, jump on you, lay on you, lick you, bark at you, and try to steal your food while eating. God they're cute. They get on the couch, the coffee table, the chairs, and the bed. Dog 1 is definitely a cock block. He has been known to put his head on top of my head and the guy I'm kissing, then proceed to push his head down to separate us. He also peed on my bed once when I was paying more attention to my guy than him. He got pissed so he pissed on the bed knowing it would piss me off, the pisser. I swear as soon as he lowered his leg he looked over at me and essentially said with his facial expression "Fuck you", jumped down, and then went straight into the cage. He knew he was in trouble and that's exactly where I would have put him. There was nothing I could do excpet start cleaning up. That's the thing about little kids though. Even when they're being a terror they still amaze you and you still think they're cute. I was highly impressed by his F.U. look and that he just went straight for the cage.
My dogs require a lot of personal attention. It's hard to watch tv as they are so loud either playing, barking, wanting in and out then in and out of the house, or just place in your face. I also need to make sure I'm home enough with them. When I'm gone they sleep. So I need to be home to make sure they are let outside to pee but also so they can play with one another. This makes it difficult to go out on weeknights and weekends I'm typically only doing one big thing a day. For instance, if I'm gone all day I need to stay home at night, and vice versa. I plan my schedule around them. It's not as if I can just come home, let them out, and then leave again. They get pissed when I do that. It's like having kids. A lot of guys don't seem to understand this. I know it's a lot to put up with but it's a deal breaker. Get along with my dogs or you don't get along with me.
And finally, all 3 dogs sleep with me in bed. Typically they all start out practically right on top of me, and sometimes literally. Dog 1 and Dog 3 will lie on my chest, both at the same time. Dog 1 usually starts digging to get under the covers almost right away though. Dog 3 will sometimes lay with his head across my neck. This pushes my head back at a bit of an odd and uncomfortable angle. More than that though, this dog snores. In my ear. The worse though is that he's breathing on my neck. His hot breath leaves my neck clammy. Eventually I will get to a point where I can't take it and tell him to move. This is a crude drawing of what the beginning of bedtime looks like:
By then end of the night Dog 2 and Dog 3 move. Dog 1 pretty much stays under the covers but he might reposition himself so that his nose is sticking out from under the blanket while the rest of him is covered. By the morning the bed situation is more like this:
Have you noticed that Dog 2 and 3 take up the whole other side of the bed? This would be a non-issue if I planned to remain single the rest of my life. I know The Ex used to complain about waking up every morning pushed to the edge of the bed while the dog will be stretched out with her paws in his back.
The thing is if I train them to sleep elsewhere or not get on the couch I would miss them. Sad and pathetic I know. I'm such a pushover.
Oh why oh why could I have just collected stamps, coins, or dildos instead? Stamps were made to be licked and not for licking though. Wait....okay that sounded bad but you know what I mean. Coins are something to keep stored away or neatly displayed. They're no fun to actually play with. Cuddling up to a dildo all the time would eventually just make me sad and depressed. And weird.
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